Chapter 4 - Civilization

Sorry about those last couple posts. I was reading too much Mark Twain and we hadn't seen or talked to anyone in days. 

After spending a night at one of our most beautiful campsites we finally made it to civilization in Richland. 

We got to resupply and drink cold beer for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime. We were banking on finding a dock full of hot babes that would let us party with them and park the canoe there. Turns out Richland is a pretty dismal. The Safeway deli was very sad. Everyone seemed pretty sad there actually...

We went on to Kennewick to meet up with a friend of mine and Sparky got all excited about going under bridges. 

We needed a place to dock the boat and my wonderful friend Hilary recommended this marina. We paddled in after the office was closed, but we met a Jimmy Buffet like character who said the slip next to his was empty and we could tie up there. He was super chill and his boat was named "We Be Jammin'." 

We went to a pretty divey bar with Hilary and her man-friend Chris and consumed some alcohol. They both said we smelled like wilderness and freedom and so begged us to shower with the reward of sleeping in a bed. They were both extremely hospitable and we couldn't thank them enough.

Next day we said goodbye to all our buddies at the marina and set off. We're in big boat territory now. We even passed a river boat.

And barges are going by too. We thought they were gonna be scary with huge wakes, but no. Everything has been so calm. 

We found a peaceful little spot to sleep and heard the frogs chirping, the coyotes howling, and the trains rolling by through the night. It don't get much better than river life.

We should be in Oregon soon and we're 7 miles from the 100 mile benchmark. It's a pretty big deal for us hitting 100 miles. Our favorite canoe documentary referenced a quote by some French dude, "What sets a canoeing expedition apart is that it purifies you more rapidly and inescapably than any other travel. Travel a thousand miles by train and you are a brute; pedal five hundred on a bicycle and you remain basically a bourgeois; paddle a hundred in a canoe and you are already a child of nature."

So yeah, look out nature. Yo chillins is comin. 

Chapter 3 - Jurassic Park

Well me and Sparky shoved off bright and early. The river was runnin quick now, and we were movin right along. Before we knew it we were under our first bridge and off into the wild. There was no more civilization from here until Tri-Cities, a 50 mile stretch at least. 

On one side of the river was unspoiled natural beauty. The other side was the Hanford Nuclear Site. Step one foot on that side of the river and they'll shoot it right off. There sure were a lot of birds. We saw birds I never dreamed of seein before. They had big long beaks and if I hadn't known better I'd have called 'em pteradactyls. Sparky got some great photos of them, and I got some great photos of him. 

We went around the big bed near Hanford and found the most spectacular scenery. There was a sandstone cliff as high as an elephants eye! It was one of the most scenic vistas I ever laid eyes on. 

We pulled up on an island that couldn't have been more than five acres, and found a whole family of deer livin on it. We just couldn't figure out how any deer could GET there, and reckoned they must be mighty fine swimmers. 

There was a bunch of these islands with deer on them. We once startled a young buck with his girlfriend. And we were ever so sorry in breakin them up. They may have made some fine babies. 

We found a little flat spot on one of those islands and set up camp. It was mighty windy out so we tipped the canoe on her side to block it. 

This was one of the most beautiful places I ever camped in my life. 

Chapter 2 - Dam It All

Sparky and Mad Dog awoke to a calm sunny morning. They figured it was gonna be a nice easy day. They paddled their way along toward the reservoir behind ol' Priest Rapids Dam. They stopped in the nearby town to try and pick up some beer, but not without stoppin to take a quick dip in the river. It was the strangest town, looked like no one had lived there more than 5 years. Everything just seemed as new as could be. 

Mad Dog volunteered to hitchhike up to the store, and got picked up by and old Indian woman. She was as sweet as could be and said she'd help anyone who needed it since it was Labor Day.  

So those boys got their beer and stopped under a tree for lunch. 

It was slow going along the reservoir. The river was still and the wind was blowin' against 'em. It took forever to make it to the dam, and it was hot too. Poor ol' Sparky's pale skin couldn't take it so he turned red all over, but their work had just begun. They loaded the canoe on the cart and started walkin'. And boy is that cart ever heavy. They had to stop every ten minutes to keep from dyin there in the road. 

They were all confused on which way to go too. They didn't want to have to pull that canoe up any hills. While they were sittin' on the road collaboratin' on what to do, the old Indian woman drove up and told them that strait ahead was a spot to put the canoe in the river. Those boys thought it was mighty good luck that the old woman had shown up again. Mad Dog reckoned she was a shaman and was guiding us to our destination. Sparky agreed and the boys kept walkin. 

They finally made it to the water and both swore up and down they'd hoped they'd never see another dam as long as they lived. But they new it wasn't true because there's quite a few more on the way to Portland.

Sparky caught some lunch and they headed down to find a camp spot. 

They found a pretty island on the far side of the river and made out for it. The river is quick on this side of the dam and has a mighty quick current. You don't even have to paddle and you're movin along at quite the pace. 

By and by those boys barely made camp by sundown and were dog tired, but couldn't sleep on account of how much fun they just had. 

Chapter 1 - The Adventure Begins

It sure did take Sparky and Mad Dog a long time to get ready, but by mid afternoon they were on their way. Niether one of them had ever gone on any kind of canoe trip before. I'd say they were pretty green on the river, and that first day the wind was a'blowin' just as hard as ever. 

But sho' enough they headed out, they had to make it to Portland. Those boys got learned quick. About two hours into their first day, they had to make a crossing where the wind was blowin' like the devil. Why those boys didn't think they'd ever come across these kind of waves. They were breakin' on the surface and that wind would blow the spray right on your face. As if Mother Nature was spittin' on ya for thinkin' yourself mean enough to conquer such a river. The waves were breakin' over the sides of the canoe, and the outriggers that Sparky made did more bad than good. They paddled and paddled 'til there was no more left in either of 'em. 

By and by those boys made it to a little inlet 'bout 8 miles down the river and set up camp for the first night. They were so glad to be out of that mess, and both prayed they'd never see wind like that again. 

Mad Dog cooked up some rice and beans and them boys were mighty proud of what they had accomplished. They reckoned this river wouldn't get the best of them yet. 

They sipped their whiskey and watched the stars, tryin not to think about the dam they had to cross the next day. 

I Made It Home Alive

Got a ride on Craigslist from a really cool dude from Wenatchee. It took us two days to drive from Williston back to Washington. I'd say the journey back from Michigan has been more of a road trip than hitchhiking, it's just a different kind of fun. 

We basically just hit the road running. The first five hours of the drive are so boring you want to die. There's nothing, not even cell phone service. We just hauled ass in an attempt to make it to Glacier National Park before sunset. 

We made it just in time. This view went on as far as the eye could see, north and south. I remember rolling up on the mountains as the sun was going down. There was nothing, then in the distance you can see their silhouette barely outlined. These mountains seriously just pop out of the ground. We hiked to a sweet waterfall just as the light was fading. The water shoots out from under this rock. It was pretty unreal. 

The next day we spent more time being tourists and visiting the nature spots along the drive to Washington. It was a welcomed break from all the time I've spent in cities this summer. We saw the largest undammed waterfall in the state.

We also saw the redwoods of Montana. I mean, they weren't redwoods, but they were super big cedar trees! So big that they started to phase out of reality at the top. They reached the top of existance. It was pretty hard to capture in a photo. 

I made it to Ellensburg and spent some time with my friends. It was pretty great seeing people that I had met before. That was something I had taken for granted, knowing people. 

Then I had to hitchhike back to my parents house to get my car. This meant I would no longer be living out of my backpack. After traveling across US I finally got picked up by some hippies in Naches! They were in a Volkswagon bus and were so nice. Check out this dudes shirt. 

They drove me all the way to my parents house. So take that America, I made it back alive. I've proven you all wrong. The world is full of nice people. All you have to do is open yourself up to a little help. I think we live lives that are a little too radically self sufficient. I think we should lean on each other a little more. 

Stay tuned for the adventures of Madd Dog and Sparky as they travel down the Columbia River in the 16 foot canoe named The Barkin' Dog. It will be an adventure of extreme peril, exploration, romance, and tragedy. 

Three Days With Jesse Pinkman

I made it to Kalamazoo and stayed with my aunt to clean up and get situated. The next day I got a ride with a character who said he was headed to North Dakota. 

He asked me if I would mind if he hustled up some gas along the way. He had a "Need gas, please help" sign. I said, "Man, I got a banjo. Let's hustle." 

This guy talks a lot too, so I got to know him pretty quick. He was from Alaska and came down south to get away from the drugs. This dude was selling meth and heroine, making like 50-60 felony drug deals a day. He's been convicted of 3 felonys and been to jail 21 times. He was headed back to North Dakota to pick up his girlfriend after she got out of jail. 

This might sound pretty sketchy but he was a pretty honest dude. He was gonna split all the money he made from his gas hustle with me. He was sleeping in his car. I slept in my sleeping bag outside and he gave me the keys so I wouldn't worry about him driving off. He was a good guy, just into some heavy stuff. 

He had some crazy stories too. I felt so tame around this guy. He told me about one time when he was tweakin' and saw a car parked in a field with the dome light flashing. He walked up and it was a dash mounted laptop with satanic symbols as a screen saver. Then he hears this screaming coming from the woods and goes to check it out. He stood for a bit waiting to hear the screams again and hears someone say, "Is that guy really just gonna stand there?" And he just booked it. He was a hundred miles away before he mentioned it to anyone. He told a sheriff in training at the bar and the guy just tells him to keep his mouth shut. 

We made it to this tiny little town in North Dakota and tried to find some beer. The only place you can buy a six pack is at the bar. Some guys there wanted us to stick around and play some pool, but we couldn't drink the beers in the bar so the bartender told us to drink them in the parking lot and come back in. (No joke.) Turns out these guys are the drunken city councilmen of Tower City, North Dakota (or as the locals call it Cower Tity). You just can't write this stuff. 

I'll take another pause in the narrative for some other crazy meth-head stories. Without boring you with the story of being shot at by sound wave guns, or running the judge of Winlock, WA off the road, or even the most legitimate story of demonic possession I've ever heard, I'll tell you about the time he got sold bath salts instead of meth. 

This dude was so high, he was walking down the middle of the street in Portland, razor blade in one hand and a can of mace in the other. This street also happened to be a bridge, and he was stopping traffic convinced there were at least 30 people trying to kill him. The cops just told him to run along. Some how he gets in and out of jail a few times before coming down off whatever it was he took. He was riding the bus and saw some kid with his headphones in. Of course headphones mean you're FBI and are trying to kill him. So he's yelling at this kid on the bus and threatening to kill him etc... I guess it was like three days before that whole ordeal was over. Don't do drugs kids. 

We stopped at a little lake to do laundry, tried to steal some corn from a farmers field, and even pulled over to watch the sunset one night. You never know who you run into on the road. And you never know how cool people can be if you don't give them a chance. 

Thanks for the ride man. I hope you treat your girl right, and settle down. Stay off that dope homie. 

Crownival: Three Days of Debauchery

I packed up all my stuff and said goodbye to Zeus (the dog), and walked out to the bus stop. I was headed to Crownival in hopes of catching a ride out of town (and also destroying my liver and being punk as shit). Detroit buses are terrible. The first one didn't come, the second one was late, and my transfer was totally full. They don't even tell you what stop is next. It's insanity. I found my way to Crow Manor after about 3 hours. 

I made a new friend who said she hadn't eaten anything. So I walked with her to the Coney down the street. We ran into some random guy and ask him if we're going the right way. The dude had apparently taken ten pills earlier and was a little out of it. We took him under our wing and bought him some dinner. We met another lady at the Coney who overheard our "don't take so many pills, man" conversation and asked us if we had any heron. She missed the meal at the shelter so we gave her a salad instead of drugs. We ended up having a nice family dinner at the Coney with some new friends. The rest of Friday was drinking and some killer bands until 4am. 

Saturday morning was rough for obviousl reasons. But after some coffee, everyone picked up where they left off last night. We spent most of the morning playing some good ol' crusty country music. Everyone there played a mean banjo. It was like a dream come true. 

The day's events consisted of a fiercely competitive female arm wrestling tournament (which never got finished), a pizza-on-a-string eating contest, and a no talent show. 

The no talent show was great. Some music, some poetry, reciting of Shakespeare, and about 745 terrible jokes. 

Somewhere in there Ihateyou the clown showed up. He popped out of a giant jack in the box and started spraying silly string and hurling water balloons. He also bought some frozen yogurt from the ice cream man, got pied, and chased a jogger down the street. 

The jogger actually ended up coming back, twice, and brought friends the second time. 

An actual bluegrass band played, and a thunderstorm started brewing. It was perfect timing. The metal band Sweat was setting up as the wind started to pick up and the sky got darker. They literally turned the sky black and played to the sound of thunder. It was probably the most metal thing that ever happened.

 

But everyone's favorite part is when the Detroit Party Marching Band shows up. They tore the place down. Everyone was dancing and moshing during their whole set. Most marching bands march when they play, these guys mosh. The most punk rock part of the weekend was when the cops showed up right after the marching band was done. We kept asking for one more song, after one encore already, and they weren't having it. Then as soon as the cops roll around the corner, they decided they had time to play one more. I can only imagine what it would have been like to roll up to that police call. 

There were beatboxing rap battles, people tracking their friends with yarn, alley bowling, and people playing with fire. I'm pretty sure I went to bed around 6am. 

I tried to get a ride out of town Sunday and almost took the bus. I'm pretty sure I left about 4 times without ever getting off the property. Someone offered me a ride the next morning so we spent the day drinking off our hangovers and playing our gypsy banjo/violin/accordion music. 

I don't think words can really do any justice to what happened this weekend. I'm only writing what I can remember. A big thanks goes out to the Crow Manor crew and all their awesome friends. I'll be back next year for sure.